Here or There? Brain skipping around.

Been feeling a tiny mental renaissance today. Yesterday I got the Effexor from the new Dr, so that's probably why. Also I got called for a phone interview for tomorrow, so that’s a day brightener, too. I don’t know how to explain it, but something like déjà vu clicked, I put my red bracelet back on, and I kinda felt that ‘on the roof of the Park Seneca in the Sunshine’ feeling. Days of muggy salty hot, happy hours at Rosebud, tanning on the roof, and power walks to the beadshop. But without the tan. And fatter. And no job. Okay, so there are no parallels, the sun isn’t even shining today – but it is muggy – it must be a brain chemical thing after all.

I had read that someone [on a journal that I had posted to BDF, but don't read - only checked to see if it still existed before publishing online] that a girl, or woman, actually, would take an ativan if she got an urge to eat. Thought about that, but I couldn’t take the chance on going through my meds too quickly without insurance [especially the one that’s considered a narcotic and I can’t get freely!]

Instead, I stopped taking the ativan during the day because I realized that there was an addiction-behavior emerging [couldn't function on it - too sleepy, but couldn’t function when it wore off, too agitated] – but now I spend my days pacing and sweating like an addict with the DT’s, and craving candy [and thankfully, there isn’t any here, but I did eat ½ a box of cereal and gain 3 pounds the first day.]… which is the real reason that the days seem 3 weeks long and I have 10’ arms, despite whatever my reasoning on my DJ was [I don’t remember.]

So I took my excess energy today, unburied my elliptical, and went for 30 minutes –I’m afraid to do more because the other meds have lowered my blood pressure so far that standing up quickly causes me to black out momentarily. Despite my vision diminishing into closing psychedelic rings in each eye, I hung on for the full 30 [pathetic, I know]. I won’t be here to do it tomorrow, but I’ll try to do it again Friday, then see if I can do it every day I’m here at Brian’s.

I’m a little scared to go back to Darrel’s – I skipped Sunday because we were arguing every day. But I read my e-mail that never got to him and he didn’t yell at me, and he explained to me that “we know we love each other, and all we have to do is find a way to make things work” – basically.

I should probably post some of this to my DJ… not the ativan part, I don’t dare – everything I say is taken as gospel by a 14 year old girl somewhere [ever wonder if I’m under any pressure?]