Wednesday, June 23, 2004
Thought I should share some pictures... This first one is from my confirmation 4/03. I look awful because I went into the hospital later that night with a fever of 106... remember the bronchitis? Oh yeah, and the WI 20, don't forget that. I think it was 25 in this picture. The other two in the picture? Brian and Msgr Klister.
Wednesday, June 16, 2004
Here or There? Brain skipping around.
Been feeling a tiny mental renaissance today. Yesterday I got the Effexor from the new Dr, so that's probably why. Also I got called for a phone interview for tomorrow, so that’s a day brightener, too. I don’t know how to explain it, but something like déjà vu clicked, I put my red bracelet back on, and I kinda felt that ‘on the roof of the Park Seneca in the Sunshine’ feeling. Days of muggy salty hot, happy hours at Rosebud, tanning on the roof, and power walks to the beadshop. But without the tan. And fatter. And no job. Okay, so there are no parallels, the sun isn’t even shining today – but it is muggy – it must be a brain chemical thing after all.
I had read that someone [on a journal that I had posted to BDF, but don't read - only checked to see if it still existed before publishing online] that a girl, or woman, actually, would take an ativan if she got an urge to eat. Thought about that, but I couldn’t take the chance on going through my meds too quickly without insurance [especially the one that’s considered a narcotic and I can’t get freely!]
Instead, I stopped taking the ativan during the day because I realized that there was an addiction-behavior emerging [couldn't function on it - too sleepy, but couldn’t function when it wore off, too agitated] – but now I spend my days pacing and sweating like an addict with the DT’s, and craving candy [and thankfully, there isn’t any here, but I did eat ½ a box of cereal and gain 3 pounds the first day.]… which is the real reason that the days seem 3 weeks long and I have 10’ arms, despite whatever my reasoning on my DJ was [I don’t remember.]
So I took my excess energy today, unburied my elliptical, and went for 30 minutes –I’m afraid to do more because the other meds have lowered my blood pressure so far that standing up quickly causes me to black out momentarily. Despite my vision diminishing into closing psychedelic rings in each eye, I hung on for the full 30 [pathetic, I know]. I won’t be here to do it tomorrow, but I’ll try to do it again Friday, then see if I can do it every day I’m here at Brian’s.
I’m a little scared to go back to Darrel’s – I skipped Sunday because we were arguing every day. But I read my e-mail that never got to him and he didn’t yell at me, and he explained to me that “we know we love each other, and all we have to do is find a way to make things work” – basically.
I should probably post some of this to my DJ… not the ativan part, I don’t dare – everything I say is taken as gospel by a 14 year old girl somewhere [ever wonder if I’m under any pressure?]
I had read that someone [on a journal that I had posted to BDF, but don't read - only checked to see if it still existed before publishing online] that a girl, or woman, actually, would take an ativan if she got an urge to eat. Thought about that, but I couldn’t take the chance on going through my meds too quickly without insurance [especially the one that’s considered a narcotic and I can’t get freely!]
Instead, I stopped taking the ativan during the day because I realized that there was an addiction-behavior emerging [couldn't function on it - too sleepy, but couldn’t function when it wore off, too agitated] – but now I spend my days pacing and sweating like an addict with the DT’s, and craving candy [and thankfully, there isn’t any here, but I did eat ½ a box of cereal and gain 3 pounds the first day.]… which is the real reason that the days seem 3 weeks long and I have 10’ arms, despite whatever my reasoning on my DJ was [I don’t remember.]
So I took my excess energy today, unburied my elliptical, and went for 30 minutes –I’m afraid to do more because the other meds have lowered my blood pressure so far that standing up quickly causes me to black out momentarily. Despite my vision diminishing into closing psychedelic rings in each eye, I hung on for the full 30 [pathetic, I know]. I won’t be here to do it tomorrow, but I’ll try to do it again Friday, then see if I can do it every day I’m here at Brian’s.
I’m a little scared to go back to Darrel’s – I skipped Sunday because we were arguing every day. But I read my e-mail that never got to him and he didn’t yell at me, and he explained to me that “we know we love each other, and all we have to do is find a way to make things work” – basically.
I should probably post some of this to my DJ… not the ativan part, I don’t dare – everything I say is taken as gospel by a 14 year old girl somewhere [ever wonder if I’m under any pressure?]
Monday, June 14, 2004
Things I Do
Collect daily Mutts comics in my computer... sometimes I print them and cut them out.
Collect receipts to hopefully remember a good day at some day in the future.
Collect heartaches of people that I can't even protect.
Collect common coins of places I'll never go.
Collect rocks or blades of grass as souveniers.
Collects scars as memories.
Collect receipts to hopefully remember a good day at some day in the future.
Collect heartaches of people that I can't even protect.
Collect common coins of places I'll never go.
Collect rocks or blades of grass as souveniers.
Collects scars as memories.
Thursday, June 03, 2004
The Family Disease
I'm going to try it again, not to recreate, but try to pull together all the thoughts I had in that lost post from yesterday - mind you I'm already as tired as when I ended that follow-up last night, and it's only ... Holy crap! it 1126 already? Man, I forgot the day bleeds when you sit in a chair coding. No wonder I was thirsty. I started coding at 0546 this morning.
Okay, so I have a right to be mentally tired already.
But I'm going to try to get through this, because I have to work on my memory [I'm already starting to panic, because I don't remember a lot of it, and it's almost time for dose 2 and I didn't take dose 1, and if I do, I'll take a nap and *nothing will get done at all* - isn't this how I end up in the hospital? If I go again, this will officially mark it as "every month"]
Anyroad: Here are some notes, items that stick in my head... I just listed them and filled them in. Pulled them into order later.
Monday: Labor Day? That's the holiday, right? I'll get back to you. I have the feeling something happened. I don't remember.
I'm pretty sure that was the night I filled out an online questionnaire at eHarmony.com [under Brian's cat's name: Ivy]. It supplies you with a personality profile at the end of the questioning, and I gotta get the results of that puppy posted somewhere! I knew I was demanding, but it's pretty harsh to hear it as a test result, from a ‘stranger’, and hear it over and over. And then to see that since it shows me as one who 'holds high and exacting standards' - no matches. *sniffle*. Uh, for Ivy, of course...
Did I mention you can pick 5 other countries that it will also search in for your soulmate - yup, no one there either.
But now I can have nice little fantasies of meeting someone in the Vatican City-state [which I *did* pick], learning Italian, working in a shop that cleans the vestments for the priests… It has successfully made me overcome my fixation on Monsignor... Of course, I haven't seen him in a while. That always helps too.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Tuesday I had a job interview. I don't want to jinx it by saying anything about it. But it was nice to have an interview. I haven't been getting anything but rejection letters lately. I was beginning to think my resume showed me to be as useless as I always thought I was. No, actually. Most people find it quite impressive. But those are people who don't run businesses and whose second reaction is: "Wow, can you really do all this stuff? I don't even know what half of this stuff is!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Drowning in empty" or "Drowning in nothing" variations on that phrase kept running through my head Tuesday night into Wednesday. Paired later with the line "They've got the Family Disease" - but that one belongs to a Marcy Playground song.
You don't have to know me to well to believe that I'd actually have these lines in my head *before* I watched the movie "Blue Car" on IFC and had a totally irrational emotional pull in a momentary scene that shows the daughter opening the door to her mom's room, to ask if she got the job, and sees her in her dress, half buttoned, with an empty pill bottle on the nightstand. I've been in that position, in my nicest dress, unbuttoned almost to the waist, then 'fuck it', fell on the bed - not laid in it - taking whatever makes sleep come: but there's not enough to kill you in there.
And I went to a job interview that morning.
And I was still wearing the dress.
And I was sitting on the bed watching the movie.
And for the 15 seconds of the scene - if that long, maybe time slowed down for me - I stared at that bottle and, what? Craved? Longed? There was a physical pull on my conscious self to be her, asleep.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I think I wrote on my "kinesthetic: 9" previously - but I had some insight on that. And the Drowning in empty. Learning by touch, but with all the meds, honestly I feel like I'm losing touch with the world around me. In a fog, nodding in concern, concentrating like Devil, and hoping to God I catch on soon. [never nod & smile - it's the first sign you don't get it. Never break eye contact, it's the first way to lose concentration]
What's worse; I think I'm losing me. Darrel said something brilliant that he got from a documentary that I should have written down - but didn't, so now I don't remember, except it was something to the effect of that our brains have a constantly evolving chemical balance [nod and smile for me here, I don't remember his words, but I know what I mean to say], add to that all the new psych medications I'm on, it's not an unexpected thing that my whole learning type would change. [Except that it feels like a disability. I know it's not. It's just not coming as easy as it did before. Does that mean my IQ came down? I was proud of my 156!]
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thursday: Didn't do too much. Part of losing myself. Can't get motivated. Way more tired than is reasonably okay. I DON'T WANT TO BE TIRED! I DON'T WANT TO SLEEP! I WANT TO BE PRODUCTIVE!! But though I wake early, my limbs are heavy. I thow my covers off and since I don't have a workspace at Darrel's house, I take out the window pane and set up my beads to do bracelets. Turn on the TV to knock out the dreamy quiet, and make some coffee, so Darrel knows I'm up too. No sleep to hide behind.
But I fiddle with the beads, make nothing for the orders, and end up wrapping myself around Janey, watching 2 movies, & sleeping for a couple hours.
But Darrel did have things to do. I wanted to go with him top the HUD office, to see if I could get Section 8 housing since I'm unemployed, and I technically haven’t had a place to stay legally since I landed in GB in 2002.
We walked by the Antique Mall, and they have a flower display on the sidewalk - Darrel is intrigued because this is uber-illegal in GB [Why? When done right, it would be so beautiful to have a farmer's market... Like Pike Place Market] - So Darrel asks the guy who's running it, and I talk to the lady who runs the antique shop, because she still has the sign for weekend help in her window – it’ seems like a couple months it’s been there [I don’t mention that, though] I ask her about the sign and she calls to the man with Darrel: "look who's come to be our weekend savior!" She offers me an application, but I have resumes in my bag. Always do, now. She likes it! She exclaims! "Look no further! We've found our girl!" She likes the volunteer work, and the computer work... says I should hear back after the weekend either way...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Today: Finished the Lounge. I just need to get members to sign up. I would have had no problem last summer, but now that it's a pretty much whole new batch of people, they won't remember the lounge, and probably won't be willing to pay for access. I can't leave it open and let all the hate back in and deal with that again. That was too stressful, and the flamers cost me money [in bandwidth!]!! I just hope there's enough of the people who ask periodically "will the lounge ever come back?" still around and who will stand by their own solution to the problem they originally brought to me.
Okay, so I have a right to be mentally tired already.
But I'm going to try to get through this, because I have to work on my memory [I'm already starting to panic, because I don't remember a lot of it, and it's almost time for dose 2 and I didn't take dose 1, and if I do, I'll take a nap and *nothing will get done at all* - isn't this how I end up in the hospital? If I go again, this will officially mark it as "every month"]
Anyroad: Here are some notes, items that stick in my head... I just listed them and filled them in. Pulled them into order later.
Monday: Labor Day? That's the holiday, right? I'll get back to you. I have the feeling something happened. I don't remember.
I'm pretty sure that was the night I filled out an online questionnaire at eHarmony.com [under Brian's cat's name: Ivy]. It supplies you with a personality profile at the end of the questioning, and I gotta get the results of that puppy posted somewhere! I knew I was demanding, but it's pretty harsh to hear it as a test result, from a ‘stranger’, and hear it over and over. And then to see that since it shows me as one who 'holds high and exacting standards' - no matches. *sniffle*. Uh, for Ivy, of course...
Did I mention you can pick 5 other countries that it will also search in for your soulmate - yup, no one there either.
But now I can have nice little fantasies of meeting someone in the Vatican City-state [which I *did* pick], learning Italian, working in a shop that cleans the vestments for the priests… It has successfully made me overcome my fixation on Monsignor... Of course, I haven't seen him in a while. That always helps too.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Tuesday I had a job interview. I don't want to jinx it by saying anything about it. But it was nice to have an interview. I haven't been getting anything but rejection letters lately. I was beginning to think my resume showed me to be as useless as I always thought I was. No, actually. Most people find it quite impressive. But those are people who don't run businesses and whose second reaction is: "Wow, can you really do all this stuff? I don't even know what half of this stuff is!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Drowning in empty" or "Drowning in nothing" variations on that phrase kept running through my head Tuesday night into Wednesday. Paired later with the line "They've got the Family Disease" - but that one belongs to a Marcy Playground song.
You don't have to know me to well to believe that I'd actually have these lines in my head *before* I watched the movie "Blue Car" on IFC and had a totally irrational emotional pull in a momentary scene that shows the daughter opening the door to her mom's room, to ask if she got the job, and sees her in her dress, half buttoned, with an empty pill bottle on the nightstand. I've been in that position, in my nicest dress, unbuttoned almost to the waist, then 'fuck it', fell on the bed - not laid in it - taking whatever makes sleep come: but there's not enough to kill you in there.
And I went to a job interview that morning.
And I was still wearing the dress.
And I was sitting on the bed watching the movie.
And for the 15 seconds of the scene - if that long, maybe time slowed down for me - I stared at that bottle and, what? Craved? Longed? There was a physical pull on my conscious self to be her, asleep.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I think I wrote on my "kinesthetic: 9" previously - but I had some insight on that. And the Drowning in empty. Learning by touch, but with all the meds, honestly I feel like I'm losing touch with the world around me. In a fog, nodding in concern, concentrating like Devil, and hoping to God I catch on soon. [never nod & smile - it's the first sign you don't get it. Never break eye contact, it's the first way to lose concentration]
What's worse; I think I'm losing me. Darrel said something brilliant that he got from a documentary that I should have written down - but didn't, so now I don't remember, except it was something to the effect of that our brains have a constantly evolving chemical balance [nod and smile for me here, I don't remember his words, but I know what I mean to say], add to that all the new psych medications I'm on, it's not an unexpected thing that my whole learning type would change. [Except that it feels like a disability. I know it's not. It's just not coming as easy as it did before. Does that mean my IQ came down? I was proud of my 156!]
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thursday: Didn't do too much. Part of losing myself. Can't get motivated. Way more tired than is reasonably okay. I DON'T WANT TO BE TIRED! I DON'T WANT TO SLEEP! I WANT TO BE PRODUCTIVE!! But though I wake early, my limbs are heavy. I thow my covers off and since I don't have a workspace at Darrel's house, I take out the window pane and set up my beads to do bracelets. Turn on the TV to knock out the dreamy quiet, and make some coffee, so Darrel knows I'm up too. No sleep to hide behind.
But I fiddle with the beads, make nothing for the orders, and end up wrapping myself around Janey, watching 2 movies, & sleeping for a couple hours.
But Darrel did have things to do. I wanted to go with him top the HUD office, to see if I could get Section 8 housing since I'm unemployed, and I technically haven’t had a place to stay legally since I landed in GB in 2002.
We walked by the Antique Mall, and they have a flower display on the sidewalk - Darrel is intrigued because this is uber-illegal in GB [Why? When done right, it would be so beautiful to have a farmer's market... Like Pike Place Market] - So Darrel asks the guy who's running it, and I talk to the lady who runs the antique shop, because she still has the sign for weekend help in her window – it’ seems like a couple months it’s been there [I don’t mention that, though] I ask her about the sign and she calls to the man with Darrel: "look who's come to be our weekend savior!" She offers me an application, but I have resumes in my bag. Always do, now. She likes it! She exclaims! "Look no further! We've found our girl!" She likes the volunteer work, and the computer work... says I should hear back after the weekend either way...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Today: Finished the Lounge. I just need to get members to sign up. I would have had no problem last summer, but now that it's a pretty much whole new batch of people, they won't remember the lounge, and probably won't be willing to pay for access. I can't leave it open and let all the hate back in and deal with that again. That was too stressful, and the flamers cost me money [in bandwidth!]!! I just hope there's enough of the people who ask periodically "will the lounge ever come back?" still around and who will stand by their own solution to the problem they originally brought to me.
Tuesday, June 01, 2004
I Didn't Realize It Was *THAT* Bad!
The VARK Questionnaire Results
Your scores were:
Visual: 2
Aural: 1
Read/Write: 1
Kinesthetic: 9
It was always high... I guess it could be the meds that make it worse now, the inability to comprehend something without actual hands-on learning... But visual used to be a little less than equal with kinesthetic.
Wonder what it all could mean. I knew that I was changing in some sort of way that made me despise myself [even more than usual]. Some way that made me feel like I was getting more and more stupid, maybe this is some sort of sign that there is truly some sort of real change going on...
Your scores were:
Visual: 2
Aural: 1
Read/Write: 1
Kinesthetic: 9
It was always high... I guess it could be the meds that make it worse now, the inability to comprehend something without actual hands-on learning... But visual used to be a little less than equal with kinesthetic.
Wonder what it all could mean. I knew that I was changing in some sort of way that made me despise myself [even more than usual]. Some way that made me feel like I was getting more and more stupid, maybe this is some sort of sign that there is truly some sort of real change going on...
