I'd have thought this would come out differently

Your Political Profile:

Overall: 40% Conservative, 60% Liberal Social Issues: 25% Conservative, 75% Liberal Personal Responsibility: 25% Conservative, 75% Liberal Fiscal Issues: 25% Conservative, 75% Liberal Ethics: 50% Conservative, 50% Liberal Defense and Crime: 75% Conservative, 25% Liberal

How

Liberal or Conservative Are You?

Eh, more to write soon - on the new house and such. Very overwhelmed right now though...

Obligatory

Okay, so I think I’m supposed to write something on the VT massacre. And I have had a couple things rattling in my head. I don’t really discuss them because, well, I haven’t kept up with events as well as others have [I have a *life*!] but nevertheless I should commit them to “paper” in case they pan out years from now so I can say “I told you so!”

Sexual Abuse: I think there is an issue in his life about sexual abuse that’s going to come to light as a possible motive. Now, I haven’t even seen/read the ‘multi-media-manifesto’ package contents, but from excerpts that have been quoted, I mentions 2 famous molesters in his diatribe: John Mark Karr and Debra Lafave. His story involves a molesting stepfather. Another story [apparently, I haven’t read it] involves several students encountering a thieving molesting teacher on a trip. This seems too coincidental to overlook. Was he the victim? The perpetrator? I have no insight – I’m just a civilian.

The thing that bugs me though is that he talks about this differentiation between the haves and the have-nots. According to accounts his family was pretty poor back home in Korea. His family moved here for a chance at a better life [as the story often goes]. But they seemed to have made it: parents owned a successful business, both children went to university, and his sister was on her way to a very promising career [and still will be, supposing her brother hasn’t ruined that for her.] But in his manifesto he seems to see a divide between himself and the other students on a net-worth scale. He sees them as having all these riches, and himself as not [and better for it.] But these were his peers. He was there in classes with his victims, attending the same school as them, likely driving the same car as them, we now know he had nice camera equipment and plenty of opportunity… Two [or was it three?] of the victims went to his high school – I assume that means that they came from the same neighborhoods as well. Fact is that he was doing the same as these people he seemed to think were financially superior to him. With a sister that went to an Ivy league school he may even have been doing better. But one thing is for certain and that is that he was doing one hell of a lot better than most people. I knew I’d never go to university because my family didn’t have the resources. I wonder how I will be able to provide that education for my daughter when she gets that age. People starve homeless in the street, people struggle in dead end jobs knowing that they’ll never get ahead. And striving to maintain that one-paycheck-from-homelessness that is their life. Truly this wasn’t his cross to bear. I don’t know. It just strikes me ironic that he spent so much time convincing himself that he was seen as inferior that he couldn’t see that he never really was. And didn’t see how good he actually had it.

I’m sure none of this makes sense. I’m kinda rambling and it’s all a bit of circular logic but I wanted to at least try to put it out there. Maybe I’ll revise it later. Or not. Whatever.

Step 20 is the Killer

Getting to Florence is actually pretty darned easy. 76 simple steps. I never realized that I could do it on my own.

Nothing new to report - same scheiße, different day. Got out of the hospital again yesterday - the second time since Saturday night - and again it's just "one of those pregnancy things." Doctor actually said: "There are things that happen where if you weren't pregnant we would be very worried that they were occuring, but since you are pregnant, it's just one of those pregnancy things." So I'm supposed to bleed when I pee and have sharp stabbing pains in my lower abdomen that escalate to occuring every 5 seconds [no lie], be dizzy to the point of falling down and see bright holes in my vision like fireflies flying around my head. Not to mention the contractions that were occuring every 4 minutes - TWO MONTHS EARLY! Yes, this is apparently "one of those pregnancy things". Grr.

More later...

Thought of something!

"The Old Insanity" [to your right] - the anniversary of that happened this past weekend. I was surprised to be reminded of that during mass this past weekend when they mentioned Jim as the mass intention for the anniversary of his death. And surprised that it had been 3 years ago. I suppose I could have realized that simply by looking at the old blog entries, but I guess I really don't think of myself as having been here in Wisconsin that long [or want to think of myself as having been here that long? maybe...]

"I'm From The Internet!"
You know, yesterday Jason's brother took off for Belgium, and of course I was insanely jealous of the opportunity to not only go to europe, but the fact that he would be moving there soon. I had asked Jason about it, and he said that his brother had friends that he had met on the internet and would go to visit them, and in doing that he and his wife had decided to relocate. My initial reaction was terror for him, thinking "that can never go well!!" and that I had personal experience with that specific scenario [without the cool european relocation part - just a crummy midwestern relocation] but then I realized that if it hadn't happened that I'd have never met Jason, so even though it has been unbearable for the vast majority of the time since I stepped onto that train in Pioneer Square, the good that was finding Jason outweighs all of it. The internet is so full of surprises.

If it weren't for all the anti-social shut-ins, how would you feed your sense of superiority?

I thought that line was reason enough to post a blog...

I did before but after typing for a long time I hit my mouse and lost everything I'd typed and got frustrated and rememebred why I stopped blogging here for years... eh... so I'm not slacking like I said I wouldn't, but honestly nothing really intersting is going on in life. So why waste bandwidth?

Vita contin git. Vive com eo.

I'm trying! So here I am, blogging. I want to do this every day [or at least every weekday] but there are other thing I'd like to do every day that I fail at too. Hopefully this won't be one of them.

Though I have nothing to say, so what's the point? At least I showed up - that's what I'm going for. Though I did get a name of a book I want to read: 'Replay' by Ken Grimwood. Sounds interesting.

Otherwise not much. Not feeling well, almost called in today for being barfy this morning. Have to clean and work on bracelets tonight. Mentally preparing for having two kids tomorrow and for the weekend when I feel like my esophagus is being burned out while at the same time something is trying to tunnel downward out of my stomach. Blargh. Mandy says it's because the baby has dropped - though it's early for that to happen, but sometimes happens early in first pregnancies. I don't know. All I do know is that it hurts to stand, hurts to move, and when I lay down the acid eats me alive. 15 more weeks of this? Please help me make it through... Going to go home and beat Jason tonight for doing this to me :)

I miss this journal

I love this journal... but it's lonely. There are people who know it exists, but never did comment.

I should do something with this journal.

Here's a pic of Darrel from when I first met him in Venice... I just cropped myself out of it.I had all my recovery weight on, and you're not allowed to see that picture!

This is also from Confirmation - on the left [the tall one, in case I'm confused] is Kelly, and on the right is Motley... this is back when they were still friends... Funny how they pose like drunk assholes in church, in Cathedral, no less, a few feet away from the Bishop, as I remember

Thought I should share some pictures... This first one is from my confirmation 4/03. I look awful because I went into the hospital later that night with a fever of 106... remember the bronchitis? Oh yeah, and the WI 20, don't forget that. I think it was 25 in this picture. The other two in the picture? Brian and Msgr Klister.

Here or There? Brain skipping around.

Been feeling a tiny mental renaissance today. Yesterday I got the Effexor from the new Dr, so that's probably why. Also I got called for a phone interview for tomorrow, so that’s a day brightener, too. I don’t know how to explain it, but something like déjà vu clicked, I put my red bracelet back on, and I kinda felt that ‘on the roof of the Park Seneca in the Sunshine’ feeling. Days of muggy salty hot, happy hours at Rosebud, tanning on the roof, and power walks to the beadshop. But without the tan. And fatter. And no job. Okay, so there are no parallels, the sun isn’t even shining today – but it is muggy – it must be a brain chemical thing after all.

I had read that someone [on a journal that I had posted to BDF, but don't read - only checked to see if it still existed before publishing online] that a girl, or woman, actually, would take an ativan if she got an urge to eat. Thought about that, but I couldn’t take the chance on going through my meds too quickly without insurance [especially the one that’s considered a narcotic and I can’t get freely!]

Instead, I stopped taking the ativan during the day because I realized that there was an addiction-behavior emerging [couldn't function on it - too sleepy, but couldn’t function when it wore off, too agitated] – but now I spend my days pacing and sweating like an addict with the DT’s, and craving candy [and thankfully, there isn’t any here, but I did eat ½ a box of cereal and gain 3 pounds the first day.]… which is the real reason that the days seem 3 weeks long and I have 10’ arms, despite whatever my reasoning on my DJ was [I don’t remember.]

So I took my excess energy today, unburied my elliptical, and went for 30 minutes –I’m afraid to do more because the other meds have lowered my blood pressure so far that standing up quickly causes me to black out momentarily. Despite my vision diminishing into closing psychedelic rings in each eye, I hung on for the full 30 [pathetic, I know]. I won’t be here to do it tomorrow, but I’ll try to do it again Friday, then see if I can do it every day I’m here at Brian’s.

I’m a little scared to go back to Darrel’s – I skipped Sunday because we were arguing every day. But I read my e-mail that never got to him and he didn’t yell at me, and he explained to me that “we know we love each other, and all we have to do is find a way to make things work” – basically.

I should probably post some of this to my DJ… not the ativan part, I don’t dare – everything I say is taken as gospel by a 14 year old girl somewhere [ever wonder if I’m under any pressure?]

Things I Do

Collect daily Mutts comics in my computer... sometimes I print them and cut them out.
Collect receipts to hopefully remember a good day at some day in the future.
Collect heartaches of people that I can't even protect.
Collect common coins of places I'll never go.
Collect rocks or blades of grass as souveniers.
Collects scars as memories.

The Family Disease

I'm going to try it again, not to recreate, but try to pull together all the thoughts I had in that lost post from yesterday - mind you I'm already as tired as when I ended that follow-up last night, and it's only ... Holy crap! it 1126 already? Man, I forgot the day bleeds when you sit in a chair coding. No wonder I was thirsty. I started coding at 0546 this morning.

Okay, so I have a right to be mentally tired already.

But I'm going to try to get through this, because I have to work on my memory [I'm already starting to panic, because I don't remember a lot of it, and it's almost time for dose 2 and I didn't take dose 1, and if I do, I'll take a nap and *nothing will get done at all* - isn't this how I end up in the hospital? If I go again, this will officially mark it as "every month"]

Anyroad: Here are some notes, items that stick in my head... I just listed them and filled them in. Pulled them into order later.

Monday: Labor Day? That's the holiday, right? I'll get back to you. I have the feeling something happened. I don't remember.

I'm pretty sure that was the night I filled out an online questionnaire at eHarmony.com [under Brian's cat's name: Ivy]. It supplies you with a personality profile at the end of the questioning, and I gotta get the results of that puppy posted somewhere! I knew I was demanding, but it's pretty harsh to hear it as a test result, from a ‘stranger’, and hear it over and over. And then to see that since it shows me as one who 'holds high and exacting standards' - no matches. *sniffle*. Uh, for Ivy, of course...

Did I mention you can pick 5 other countries that it will also search in for your soulmate - yup, no one there either.

But now I can have nice little fantasies of meeting someone in the Vatican City-state [which I *did* pick], learning Italian, working in a shop that cleans the vestments for the priests… It has successfully made me overcome my fixation on Monsignor... Of course, I haven't seen him in a while. That always helps too.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Tuesday I had a job interview. I don't want to jinx it by saying anything about it. But it was nice to have an interview. I haven't been getting anything but rejection letters lately. I was beginning to think my resume showed me to be as useless as I always thought I was. No, actually. Most people find it quite impressive. But those are people who don't run businesses and whose second reaction is: "Wow, can you really do all this stuff? I don't even know what half of this stuff is!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Drowning in empty" or "Drowning in nothing" variations on that phrase kept running through my head Tuesday night into Wednesday. Paired later with the line "They've got the Family Disease" - but that one belongs to a Marcy Playground song.

You don't have to know me to well to believe that I'd actually have these lines in my head *before* I watched the movie "Blue Car" on IFC and had a totally irrational emotional pull in a momentary scene that shows the daughter opening the door to her mom's room, to ask if she got the job, and sees her in her dress, half buttoned, with an empty pill bottle on the nightstand. I've been in that position, in my nicest dress, unbuttoned almost to the waist, then 'fuck it', fell on the bed - not laid in it - taking whatever makes sleep come: but there's not enough to kill you in there.

And I went to a job interview that morning.
And I was still wearing the dress.
And I was sitting on the bed watching the movie.
And for the 15 seconds of the scene - if that long, maybe time slowed down for me - I stared at that bottle and, what? Craved? Longed? There was a physical pull on my conscious self to be her, asleep.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I think I wrote on my "kinesthetic: 9" previously - but I had some insight on that. And the Drowning in empty. Learning by touch, but with all the meds, honestly I feel like I'm losing touch with the world around me. In a fog, nodding in concern, concentrating like Devil, and hoping to God I catch on soon. [never nod & smile - it's the first sign you don't get it. Never break eye contact, it's the first way to lose concentration]

What's worse; I think I'm losing me. Darrel said something brilliant that he got from a documentary that I should have written down - but didn't, so now I don't remember, except it was something to the effect of that our brains have a constantly evolving chemical balance [nod and smile for me here, I don't remember his words, but I know what I mean to say], add to that all the new psych medications I'm on, it's not an unexpected thing that my whole learning type would change. [Except that it feels like a disability. I know it's not. It's just not coming as easy as it did before. Does that mean my IQ came down? I was proud of my 156!]
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thursday: Didn't do too much. Part of losing myself. Can't get motivated. Way more tired than is reasonably okay. I DON'T WANT TO BE TIRED! I DON'T WANT TO SLEEP! I WANT TO BE PRODUCTIVE!! But though I wake early, my limbs are heavy. I thow my covers off and since I don't have a workspace at Darrel's house, I take out the window pane and set up my beads to do bracelets. Turn on the TV to knock out the dreamy quiet, and make some coffee, so Darrel knows I'm up too. No sleep to hide behind.

But I fiddle with the beads, make nothing for the orders, and end up wrapping myself around Janey, watching 2 movies, & sleeping for a couple hours.

But Darrel did have things to do. I wanted to go with him top the HUD office, to see if I could get Section 8 housing since I'm unemployed, and I technically haven’t had a place to stay legally since I landed in GB in 2002.

We walked by the Antique Mall, and they have a flower display on the sidewalk - Darrel is intrigued because this is uber-illegal in GB [Why? When done right, it would be so beautiful to have a farmer's market... Like Pike Place Market] - So Darrel asks the guy who's running it, and I talk to the lady who runs the antique shop, because she still has the sign for weekend help in her window – it’ seems like a couple months it’s been there [I don’t mention that, though] I ask her about the sign and she calls to the man with Darrel: "look who's come to be our weekend savior!" She offers me an application, but I have resumes in my bag. Always do, now. She likes it! She exclaims! "Look no further! We've found our girl!" She likes the volunteer work, and the computer work... says I should hear back after the weekend either way...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Today: Finished the Lounge. I just need to get members to sign up. I would have had no problem last summer, but now that it's a pretty much whole new batch of people, they won't remember the lounge, and probably won't be willing to pay for access. I can't leave it open and let all the hate back in and deal with that again. That was too stressful, and the flamers cost me money [in bandwidth!]!! I just hope there's enough of the people who ask periodically "will the lounge ever come back?" still around and who will stand by their own solution to the problem they originally brought to me.

I Didn't Realize It Was *THAT* Bad!

The VARK Questionnaire Results
Your scores were:
Visual: 2
Aural: 1
Read/Write: 1
Kinesthetic: 9

It was always high... I guess it could be the meds that make it worse now, the inability to comprehend something without actual hands-on learning... But visual used to be a little less than equal with kinesthetic.

Wonder what it all could mean. I knew that I was changing in some sort of way that made me despise myself [even more than usual]. Some way that made me feel like I was getting more and more stupid, maybe this is some sort of sign that there is truly some sort of real change going on...

Has he ever seen the sea? More signs of my world of a life of non-sequetors [sp?]
has he ever seen the sea?

Nothing Seems to line Up

It Seems like things are not right. And I mean beyond all the sales of suntan lotion and deck chairs when it's rained every day this week.

I'm cutting this short bceause lightening just wiggled my monitor.....

Not much.

Brian came home early, just as my crying kicked in because my computer was crashing in some sort of new and different way. Yes, the new one. Yes, crashing differently. Yes, I'm poor, and can't get a computer that's equipped enough to keep up with me, so I guess they need to medicate me more, so that I can work at my computer's speed. [*lol*] - by the way, that was irony, and I hate the use of the idiom 'lol']

So, Brian says [out of sheer selfishness, and not over making me feel better, not that he should try anymore, or that he ever did] - "It's nice outside! Let's go to the zoo!"

... wha?

So I look out the window for the first time all day, and the sky is blue, and he says it's like 85 outside [he has a thing about exaggerating numbers, any number]. What the hell. I pack a disposible camera I got a wal-mart for $3 [hope it works] and a waterbottle, change out of my jammies [@ 3:30pm] into a miniskirt and short sleeved shirt *hoping* for a tan, and not bug bites [none of either occured] and I actually had an okay time.

We went to the wildlife sanctuary where I got accosted by a bunch of 'yellow headed fuzzy-suckers' [outside the midwest they are known as baby Canadian Geese] and I got so many cute pictures. I even got to pet a deer, and she licked me!

We got caught in a huge rain on the way back from getting the pictures developed, and fell asleep at about 7:30pm. Woke up at 10:00pm to Ivy biting my earlobe - I guess telling me it was time for my 10pm meds [?] - I thought only Janey would do that!

Anyway that was yesterday.

Today is young, and off to a rocky start. We'll see how it goes. Today is Darrel's birthday [45!!], so I hope I get to see him today. Not if Brian has anything to do with it, ofcourse, but I've already vented about that in my DeadJournal , and I don't want to write about it again. You can look if you want to, but I don't think anyone even knows this journal is even here... yet.

bought Brinkster space, that's not active yet, for the forum. bit the bullet and made the initial investment. ...if you build it, they will come... *fingers tightly crossed* But it's not ready to receive files yet, and I'm getting agitated waiting for the account to get active so I can customize the forum and get it open so that people can be invited and get the community going again! I loved having that! It was so much more like a family then. I hope I can get that back.

Current Music: Battle of Seattle, Marcy Playground
Current Mood: agitated, mad, antsy
Current Wt =/-: +2 [makes+4!] 

Amnesia & Piecing it Back Together

Was it a weekend? - No, it's Wednesday... So it was Monday, & Tuesday I spent gathering as many journals I could find and pulling out pages and putting them into a datebook.

Not really Amnesia, but a critical lack when it comes to perception of time. One I did not know was to be as bad as it was until I realized the amount of things racking up in a years time, when I thought that they were progressing of a long period... but by the same token 'I couldn't possibly have been here *that* long.!'

Yesterday: Foodbank, St VdP, got 10 cent bead trays, and set up an organized bracelet making area - FINALLY!
Today: Watched Anna Karenna, cleaned out my closet and found my blue d-fly necklace, much to my relief. Got a call for a job interview!! Fingers are crossed!

I don't know how I will put it all my finding [back to the memory book] together: DJ entries, written notes, receipts showing where I was on certain days, pictures... scrapbook, but I can't print 2 years of DJ... I'll just get the written stuff typed in, then worry about format later.

Current Music: Only Pieces of the Night - Gin Blossoms
Current Mood: Tired [nap interrupted by job interview call], thirsty and nauseated [?]
Current Wt =/-: +2 [no explanations, but no excuses, either]

It doesn't help, you know

Searching through pictures to put on my new blog... and my playlist is playing Seattle-moving-music into my headphones loud enough to drown out the video games and street noise. Wind is the only outside stimulus. Last friday Darrel was talking about how much he's dying to take a trip somewhere, and I couldn't let on how much I *long* to do so myself. We both know it's an impossibility right now.

And, of course, in setting up my blog, what do I spy... A HIGHWAY!!!
I don't cry, but I do feel a punch to the stomach. A little one.

So I sort through 30 some pictures taken by my web cam of myself in our [Darrel and my] tiny Seattle apartment, taken in the last few months we were there. I was doing well, 'dietetically', but my eyes were vacant on the zoloft on that dosage. The tornado was in the Jar. And I have the pictures to prove it.

... but oh! he white running pipes, old steam heaters, vintage cameras, and Janey! When she was thin. Oh! Me, before I bulked for up for the snows, or whatever makes you gain weight by simply breathing the air...

Got to think about moving. No, not out of Green Bay. Baby steps. Brian may have been throwing a tantrum when he said pack up and leave, but I'm taking him up on it. Motley still hasn't told Brian I take it, but it's Motley and me moving into the new apartment if it happens, not Motley and him... I don't envy him the duty, but hey, I had to give the ring back, and that wasn't pretty, I promise you.

Current Music: No Need to Worry - Folk Implosion
Current Mood: Anxious [but I think it's justified]
Current Wt =/-: -2

First entry here - clean start

I worked really hard on the IU.C site and a future for myself today.....

Brian came in from work, ore open a KitKat, slopped himself infront of the TV and asked if I'd done anything about one job.... then made fun of the opportunity I do have comming up next week.

Then I had a title I had to come up with for this new blog, and though it was by far **way too long** , I couldn't resist putting it in the entry:

It seems to me that people have vast potential. Most people can do extraordinary things if they have the confidence or take the risks. Yet most people don't. They sit in front of the telly and treat life as if it goes on forever. 
- Philip Adams  

tee hee hee